Let’s Support The Swedes During This Difficult Time

As we all know--thanks to President Donald Jesus Trump--the Swedish recently suffered a 2/17, which is Swedish for “9/11.” Of course, according to the FAKE NEWS (AKA “the news’), this never happened. Keep in mind, though, that these are the same idiots who said that there was “no Bowling Green 9/11” and that the actual 9/11 actually happened.

With all this firmly in mind, deeply entrenched in and immune to counterfactual evidence, it’s important we come together to show our unified support for the Swedes-- and really all of Switzerland--during this tough time. Here are a few practical ways you can, as a Patriotic American, show your support.

Eat lots of chocolate

We’ve been hearing a lot of propaganda recently about how Frederick Douglass is dead and Hillary Clinton isn’t a witch. Well, why not find some peace for yourself and have some delicious Swiss chocolate? We all know how the Swiss love their chocolate! It’s a symbolic gesture showing solidarity by partaking in the ancient Swiss custom of getting fat and yodeling.

Buy products made In Swaziland

It turns out there’s this country called Swaziland, and there’s no way this isn’t where Swedes are from. Say it out loud: “The Swedes of Swaziland.” Rolls off your tongue like “The Americans of The United States of America and its sixteen territories.” Anyways, their economy is reeling right now, so buy things made in Swaziland. One of their top exports is refrigerators. Buy a refrigerator to keep all that chocolate from melting during Chicago’s recent 70-degree weather in February, which sorry, FAKE NEWS--has nothing to do with climate change.

Apparently, I’m getting the country wrong

Okay, Sweden? Sweden. I mean, whatever. Europe’s small. It’s basically Alaska if you squashed it all up to look like Europe. So, okay. Sweden.

Fine, hang out in Andersonville

Chicago’s Little Sweden. That place just loves its red chewy fish and Pippi Longstocking, right? And apparently people from Sweden are both Swedish and lesbian. Imagine, a whole community of happily married Swedish couples with adorable dogs who live in single family homes that were painstakingly converted from two-flats. Of course you should hang out there!

Put a filter of whatever their flag is on your Facebook profile pic

Self-explanatory. And now you’re a hero.

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Peter Kremidas is a graduate of The Second City Conservatory, The Severn Darden Graduate program where he performed with Bluff, The School at Steppenwolf, iO, and The Annoyance. His one-man show "Roots and Branches: An Untrue Story Based On Several True Ones" opens in Judy's Beat Lounge on Thursday, March 30th.