22 Thoughts I Had About How My Life Turned Out While Waiting For My Daughter's Hatchimal To Hatch

1. I did it! The "it" toy of the holiday season, and it’s here, and I’m a great parent.

2. I’m not a great parent because I got my kid a gift. I’m a great parent because I recognized my child’s needs and rewarded her for doing the right thing to the best of her abilities all year and that positive nurturing is an investment in her growth, and I got her a gift.

3. Okay, come on. Rip the damn thing open. Egg and creature. Rip them. Drink the liquid.

4. Turning the keys to start the timer will really help her understand how to set up bombs later in life. Hurry up.

5. I heard that these toys were marketed towards young girls, but honestly, these would make great gifts for every child who can sit quietly for up to 40 minutes.

6. Kensey, stop yelling at the egg.

7. Is “egg” even the right phrasing? Orb? Holder? Hatchimagery?

8. Kensey, STOP YELLING at the egg.

9. According to the instructions, the eyes change color to let you know how it’s feeling. I assume that my own eyes are the sharp, bright red of a haunted firetruck.

10. If only I had thought about it ahead of time, I could have tried to get one of these on Black Friday and would have been nicely trampled to death.

11. Kensey asked, “What are we going to name it?” I think, even though it’s a mouthful, “dentalinsurancepremiums” has a nice ring.

12. Hatchimal comes from the Greek “to capitulate.”

13. 17 more minutes of this.

14. My son is playing with the box, and now my daughter wants to play with the box because Deklan is having more fun right now.

15. Don’t push Deklan over he can’t get up.

16. Don’t push Deklan over he can’t get up.

17. Fuck.

18. The children are fighting, and I am now shaking this futuristic Tic Tac.

19. Oooh, a crack! Okay, I see why this is exciting. I didn’t care to watch my birthing videos, but here we go!

20. Please stop screaming about the egg monster, Kensey. Deklan doesn’t know what’s going on, and it will activate his rash.

21. Okay, we’re Gorilla Glue-ing this egg back up. This paper mache monster is going to someone else this year. And given its used condition, I’m only gonna get four, five hundred bucks for it.

22. I’m putting these kids in the cardboard box.

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Sean Sullivan is a writer for “The Koch Brothers Mystery Show” podcast, now in its second season.