Trust In News Media Hits Record Low...But Hey, Look Who’s Telling You That

An Op-Ed by The News

Hi. I’m The News. You might have seen me before on television after The Playoffs.

The results of a recent survey show that Americans' trust in news media has reached a record low. You might think this would worry me. But it doesn’t.

Why? Because look who’s telling you that.

That’s right. The News. That dirty, lying fourth estate driven by market forces rather than a sense of duty or responsibility. And can you really believe what The News says? Of course not. And that’s why that survey says what it does. But since you heard about that survey from The News, it’s probably not true. So people must really trust The News, and it’s not hard to see why.

Now, I know what you’re thinking--mostly because I’ve worked diligently at telling you what to think. You’re thinking, “But wait, The News. Aren’t you The News?”

Yes I am. And I’m telling you straight-up with no spin, you can’t trust me. And that’s why you should trust me when I tell you that people actually love The News. Because I just told you people don’t. And I’m a liar.

Before we take this conversation any further, have you considered investing in gold? Did you know you could save even more on your Medicare? Do you have satisfactory erections?

Okay, now we’re back. As our sponsors indicate, The News will be a growing industry for decades to come--thanks to our loyal viewership of young adults and our very high trustworthiness. You should watch The News and purchase advertisements here.

Still don’t trust The News? What if I told you that Kim Kardashian did a thing? Because she did. Just look at it. But not for too long, because your doors aren’t locked and terrorism. Here’s eight people to talk about that simultaneously. Some people say vaccines cause adult onset Werewolfism. Here to debate this on one side is a doctor of microbiology and immunology and on the other, somebody’s mom wearing the best hat. This is a debate between two equal sides.

In other The News, a public official lied, and as a result, a series of villages somewhere way over that way melted. This gets its own paragraph because I’m not going to talk about it.

Now who would trust that type of programming? Not me. But consider who I am. That’s right, The News. And you should never, ever listen to what I have to say. So that programming must be great and useful.

Trust me.

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Peter Kremidas is a graduate of The Second City Conservatory, The Severn Darden Graduate program where he performed with Bluff, The School at Steppenwolf, iO, and The Annoyance.