Which Third Party is Right for You, Disgraced Celebrity?

The success of democracy relies on its most informed, proactive, and photogenic citizens: celebrities! But when our two top-billed choices are the most hated nominees in history, how can the A-listers endorse a major candidate without alienating their fanbase and tanking ticket sales?

A third-party vote shows that you’re informed enough to cast your vote where it really counts: box office returns! If you're a celebrity voter who can’t afford to lose any more followers after that last Twitter rant, consider supporting a party that nobody takes seriously enough to hate.

Libertarian Party

Like all good movie stoners, you realize the major parties are two sides of the same coin, but more importantly you realize how American drug policy disproportionately punishes celebrities. Movie stars are routinely sentenced to seeing their disheveled mug shots in tabloids and talk shows long after getting off with a slap on the wrist. It's not your fault you couldn't fix your makeup before getting arrested! You're only growing that beard for a role! What, were you supposed to not smile after the cop said he loved you as "Detective Dex" in Big Budget Explosions 4? You're ready to elect someone who realizes just how unfair it is to become a punchline, and nobody knows more about this than Libertarians.

Green Party

You’re tired of war, you’re tired of injustice, and most of all, you’re tired of having to hock your line of grass-fed purses on the side because you're not paid as much as the guys. Make room next to the “Coexist” pin on your organic knapsack, because the Green Party has your back! This progressive party knows all about the wage gap that unfairly affects you Hollywood gals. There's no denying it: A-list women are paid millions of dollars less than men. Can the girl making your soy chai latte say that? No! She can carry her practically-equal paycheck in whatever trendy tote she wants.

Vote Green Party for a president who will fight to get the wage ape off your back and the horrible handbag off your shoulders!

Prohibition Party

There’s nothing harder than being a Republican in Hollywood, except of course being a Republican in Hollywood who can’t shake the speculation that you’ve fallen off the wagon again. Put the rumors about your alleged "benders" and "all-night partying" and "barreling through the park in a stolen go-cart throwing turtles at pedestrians" to rest by joining the only party that dares to contest the evils of alcohol. After all, no moral crusader has ever been caught doing the thing they devote their lives to fighting! Hop on the Prohibition Party bland-wagon and take a stand against the lax moral standards of Republicans. And TMZ.

Justice Party

Are you a Democrat who likes Hillary, likes Bernie, and hates your assistant? This spinoff of the Democrats is the perfect afterparty for liberal celebrities who, thanks to a clerical error, tweeted out both #NeverHillary and #NeverBernie. You would totally campaign for Hillary, you wouldn't really mind writing in Bernie, but the tabloids will hold you to your word. They don't forget. They never do. "I bet Hillary doesn't have this much trouble with technology," you grumble to yourself as you try to figure out how Twitter works so you can use the cool Justice Party hashtag that you haven't thought of yet. Your assistant always did this stuff for you. #JustUs?

Constitution Party

You're a lifelong Republican who can't imagine voting for Trump, and it has nothing to do with how you were unfairly booted off Celebrity Apprentice. Let's face it, in a time when Hollywood is paying more lip service to diversity than ever, no white male actor can afford to support Trump. That's why you want a true conservative in the White House again. One who understands the value of strong morals, secure borders, and your unorthodox approach to reality show project management. You know better than most how shady Trump can be. He probably doesn't even really want that wall! How else are we supposed to prevent immigrants from taking the roles or awards or charity winnings that rightfully belong to you? Constitution Party 2016!

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Melanie Angel (@weakenedupdate) is a writer in Austin, TX. She has studied satire and late night television writing at The Second City Training Center.