Why I, the Pumpkin Spice Latte, Deserve Your Vote this November

My fellow Americans, as one of the nation’s most popular beings, I, the Pumpkin Spice Latte, am proud to announce my presidential campaign for the 2016 election.

Now, if the smile on your face as you smell and ingest my seasonal nirvana isn’t enough for you to cast your ballot for me, here are some reasons why I believe I deserve your vote this November:

People choose me because they genuinely want me

129.1 million Americans voted in the 2012 election. Since my release in 2003, I have sold more than 200 million-- even though there are like fifty other delicious, satisfying drinks on the menu. That’s right. People pick me because they want to…not because their other choices are way worse.

There is universal excitement on the day I take over

People circle their calendars as the foliage begins to change and line up with anticipation for the Pumpkin Spice Latte’s release. Not sure we can say the same thing about another fall date this year…which may or may not be a certain Tuesday in November…

I've never engaged in a war of words with the family of a deceased veteran

I know there’s another candidate that is commonly affiliated with the color orange like I am, so I wanted to clear that one up before we get too deep into my campaign.

Competitors and peers seek to emulate me

Picture that--an America where other nations say, “How do we get something like that fresh, hot, cup of presidential goodness?” as opposed to the more contemporary quote from our foreign friends, “Glad I’m not part of that train-wreck of a race.”

My recipe for success is clear and open to public

Literally. Go to my page on the Starbucks website and there will be no vagueness as to what I contain or what the future plans for me are…must be nice to see, right?

I came clean amidst that whole “There’s No Pumpkin in the Pumpkin Spice Latte” scandal

Am I flawed? Yes, but who isn’t? I own that my little scandal was not my proudest moment. But hey, similar to when McDonald’s decided to put real chicken into my dear friend the McNugget, we rose from the ashes, and I now have real pumpkin in me. I still don’t think anyone's claimed any sort of responsibility for Clinton’s outboxes or Trump’s trying to get in-boxes. Speaking of which…

I have never used a public e-mail account to conduct classified business

Heck, I don’t think I have an e-mail. But I am on Twitter and have 114,000 followers.

I have not insinuated a call for the murder of my competition

Despite how much that bastard--the Dunkin’ Donuts Pumpkin Macchiato--may deserve it. Just saying.

When you ask someone if they would choose a Pumpkin Spice Latte, the answer is a simple “yes” or “no”

...Not a brash punch in the face for even considering something other than my orangey goodness.

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Mike Brian is a comedy writer and performer based in New York City. Follow some of his shenanigans on Twitter @themikebrian and at mikebriancomedy.com.