If Women Are from Venus, Then Life on Venus Was Chill AF

Scientists declared this month that at one time the planet Venus was possibly habitable. As we all know thanks to 1990s pop-psychology, men might be from Mars--but women are from Venus, which can only mean the habitable Venus of yore was one chill place to be a space gal.

It probably looked something like this:

Woke maliens everywhere

Male aliens, or "maliens," were totally there and occupied important roles in public life--they just, you know, also all saw women as fully-formed intergalactic creatures. They were unlikely to pose more of a threat to a woman’s safety and well-being than anyone else. (But don't get me started on those dudes from Uranus, which--true story--is where Ryan Lochte's kind originated.)

No street harassment

The only street harassment a Venus lady could expect was that of adorable puppies running up to lick one’s feet and hands, like Astro on The Jetsons.

Olympic greatness

Olympic events for aliens are probably things like brain-eating and planet colonization, but describing a gold medalist as some astroid blaster's wife? Just wouldn’t happen on Venus.  Nor would dwelling on the makeup or outfit of a space tumbler who can flip twice her own height into the atmosphere.

Periods = Normal

The same way that water is free in restaurants, pads and tampons were free and available in every public rest-pod. And there was a variety of choices in type, strength, style, color, everything! And in space, while it's true that no one can hear you scream, it's much more important that no one can hear you fart, making embarrassing period flatulence a thing of the past.

Smile when you actually feel like it

The only time anyone was told to smile by a stranger was while taking a driver’s license picture for their Millennium Falcons or whatever.

Food is not a big deal

Obviously everyone just eats Dots (the ice cream of the future) on other planets, Venus included. I mean, it's space food.  But diet articles in every transmission from Mars? Nope. 

What is  rape, rape culture, or rape apologists?

Not a thing on Venus. Totally alien concepts.

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Amy Young is an improviser, actress and writer.