Let Everyone Know You Care the Most About Standing Rock

At this very moment, members of the Standing Rock Sioux Tribe are fighting to protect their environment, health and ancestral land from potential problems caused by an oil pipeline that is set to be routed right next to their territory. This is great news for bandwagon activists! Now is the time to look as liberal as possible.

Here are a few speaking points you can bring up to show your friends and family how much better you than they are at caring about this heartbreaking crisis.

It’s important; thus, it’s the most important thing

The Sioux Tribe is protesting the portion of the 1,172-mile Dakota pipeline being built half a mile from their reservation because it could threaten drinking water from Lake Oahe and will desecrate sacred sites. The route was chosen so as not to interfere with other (see: white) populations.

The protesters have been hit with tear gas, water hoses and government indifference. It’s the perfect storm of courageous marginalized people, brutal authoritarian enforcement and guilt-inducing Facebook memes. Don’t just sign a petition-- really show up your friends wasting their time with some racist lady’s rant in a Michaels by making sure to stress how water hoses will become deadly in winter and telling people they’re stupid for sharing news about things that never turn violent, like, say, white privilege. Remember, people can only care about one thing at a time, and you want to win empathy.

All information about good causes is accurate

Many people are talking about how the government is building blockades made of adamantium to stop people from sending supplies to the Sioux Tribe. A more accurate (thus boring) version of this story is that authorities may start introducing fines on certain items entering the camp. Listen, if you’re talking about issues important to a just and noble cause, it’s okay to stretch the truth a *little* to get people’s attention. Fake news played a huge part in the 2016 election, and look how well that turned out!

When supporters believe they can no longer send supplies to protesters who have requested necessities via this Amazon Wishlist, they’ll redirect their energy to thanking you for sharing facts that the MEDIA won’t!

Share with the RIGHT people

In theory, you could write/call/email North Dakota Governor Jack Dalrymple, President Barack Obama, any number of officials from the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers and banks and businesses invested in the pipeline to have a direct conversation about the crisis. This, however, is not as satisfying as yelling at your conservative cousin who was a real jerk this Thanksgiving.

It would take mere minutes to find the contact information for the appropriate government representatives online. It’s much, much faster to share an out of context link on the wall of a family member.

Mention “Bernie Sanders” for extra kudos

Did you know that our one true savior Bernie Sanders sided with the protesters while Hillary Clinton was busy giving Wall Street billionaires back rubs? Sharing stories about Bernie’s remarks are a great way to focus on what’s really important about this story: you were right all along about who should be president.

Neil Young also asked for government action on behalf of the Sioux, and that’s why I’m spending my money on a copy of “Peace Trail” instead of donating to the official Standing Rock Sioux Tribe fund.

Party like a protester!

While even traditionally conservative groups like veterans (who are planning to make themselves into a 2000-person human shield) and Christian churches have joined the protests, the real heroes are millennials eating up all of the supplies. The Sioux Tribe said many young people are showing up to treat the cause like a rock concert. This is great, because rock concerts are awesome.

We get it. You want to add your own personal stamp to this historic event. You don’t want to be part of the crowd (because they get hit with crowd suppression tactics). Take pictures, bring booze and drugs instead of food and medicine and show all of your friends that you put the “fun” in “abuse of fun-damental human rights.”

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C.J. Tuor is a frequent contributor to The Second City Network. He is a founding member of "Hitch*Cocktails" at The Annoyance Theater and "Clued In: An Improvised Murder Mystery" at Judy's Beat Lounge.